It has occurred to me many, many times over the past few months that I have not written a blog in a longgggggg time. It's very much like the diaries I kept as a kid, the intention is there . . . the follow through is not. Entire months nothing is written and then an in depth juicy
entry is presented with the promise to make the journal writing more routine. But . . .
Recently I experienced a "high" while driving with the windows down in the sunshine, Toots & The Maytals blasting. It was wonderful. Upon some reflection I realized I haven't been this happy with myself in a really long time, 8 years or so. I don't mean for that to sound as if I've been miserable - life is good . . . very, very good - I just haven't been doing my best at taking care of myself. Even when I trained for the triathlon a few years back, I continued to drink, eat processed foods and socially smoke the entire summer and then beat myself up for it. The mental anguish, the guilt and then the repeat of bad behaviors. Such a vicious cycle. Addictions are hell.
I went on my first diet my freshman year of highschool when my mother thought I had gained too much weight. My second diet was Senior year of highschool when my mother signed me up for Nutri-System. Throughout my years I've gained and lost between 10 and 30lbs more times than I know. And don't think I don't know the issues with my mother having control over my weight, that is a whole other blog in itself - and we are not going there. About 11 years ago I lost 30lbs by attending Weight Watchers meetings, exercising hours on end and researching and learning about nutrition. I was mentally and physically healthy, feeling on top of the world. I was able to maintain life this way until I became pregnant for the first time. For some reason being pregnant made me feel I had the license to eat anything and everything.
It's amazing how many times one can yo-yo their weight in a lifetime. For someone like me who emotionally eats, LOVES food, the tastes, smells and celebrations we use for excuses to indulge in it - it is very easy to ride the weight rollercoaster. I binge on sweets when I'm bored, tired, irritated, angry, happy, excited, you name it. It is my vice, my addiction and my love/hate partner. I remember the first binge I ever had was in the 6th grade. Home alone during the summer, bored, I watched Santa Barbara and ate a plastic cup full of Chips Ahoy mixed with milk. I ate my way through freshman and Junior year in highschool, freshman year in college, my mid-twenties, my first pregnancy, 2nd pregnancy until my midwife threatened me, (lol)then through depression both post-partum and "regular" depression . . . and most recently this past year.
I kept using life changes as my excuse to eat. Then I would use it to not exercise. I'm so busy, I don't feel like it, It's too cold. I know all the excuses - I've used them. I'm very good at rationalizing my behavior as well. It is easy to lose oneself between a fulltime career, marriage and parenting and then excuse that. Eat, eat, eat right out of the clothes. I had one pair of pants left I could squeeze myself into. I refused to buy bigger clothes, I was NOT going to be fat. I had temper tantrums in the morning, I cried, I hated myself, negative talked to the mirror, swear I wasn't going to eat and then eat to soothe myself. I'd try, fail, beat myself up, wallow and then start all over again. But then it got to the point where I didn't try again . . . I just kept wallowing . . . and pretending I didn't see the wallowing. At some point I believe I even thought to myself "what's the point? maybe I should just accept being fat?" BUT I got sick of listening to myself. I was so tired of hearing myself complain about me. Daily internal battles were wasting so much time I had to do something to get myself back mentally & physically. I just didn't have it in me to join Weight Watchers again for the umpteen millionth time. I needed something new and exciting that would rope me in. Thank the Universe for facebook. There it was in my newsfeed, a post about A Biggest Loser Challenge in Wiscasset. I joined immediately, making the decision to take my life back no matter how hard I would have to work. It is the best thing I have done for myself in a really long time. One of my favorite quotes to help me through the "No excuses" part of this Challenge is "Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right," Henry Ford. This is totally true. If you believe in yourself, anything can happen. This, I know for sure.
